Survivor letter

Dear me

I feel feel proud

I feel joy inside my body, and tears rising to my eyes

I feel grateful to be me

I feel me

Thankful for the place I am

Have been guided to

Have taken the road

And have persevered with faith in me from the outside

You believed in

And I’m believing in me too

I know I am capable and talented and have skills I have been gifted with

But feeling, really feeling is something new

Ive felt grateful before, and I’ve felt thankful, I’ve felt blessed and I’ve felt strong

These are all incredible feelings and I’ve felt them before

But there is something a tad different now that I needed to sit and write, to solidify on paper to hold and cherish in print, that feels a step beyond the others

I feel me

I feel a transitional phase as an observer almost, of becoming connected, of unifying, or accepting and embracing me- little me and all she’s been through, teen me that challenges and protects, adult me that is trying so hard to always do what’s best. I’ve been focusing for so long on my weaknesses and my needs to change things-

But I am me. And I love me. How I am. Now. Not with only if’s, or when…

Yes I still want to work on being a better listener, and not to be so critical and to be more present…

But I accept.

If tis there its there for a reason and I embrace that its all helped me be who I needed to be till this point and will help guide me to who I will become

I feel I may have a glimpse into the future but yet who knows? Who can?

But I want to know and to commit that I will put effort, focus, love, and understanding to embracing me and holding me with any and all of me that is present today.

I am sad- is that bad? It’s a fact- I feel loss and grief of things that haven’t been and things that are so challenging today because of a past that was/wasn’t as “should be”

But what is should be anyway?

Yet the grief is still there, and the judgement can go on vacay.

I feel grief of the loving father I knew that cant be that loving father anymore or grandfather.

I feel grief that the father I loved and trusted so dear hurt me so much and so deep that I feel entangled by love/trust/betrayal/fear/longing/control… all wrapped into 1 bundle.

Yes it hurts and its ok to hurt. The gap is real, and the band aid is too.

The and I will hold my heart when it aches, I will sooth my weary being and tell her yes its true.

Its true that the epitome of loving foundation was confused and disoriented and were twisted, mixed up parts. I was loved. And I was betrayed. And I was betrayed by the person I loved the most. And I still love him. And he still loves me. And the pain and struggles and living with regularly are a cause of the harm that one I so deeply relied on for security, stripped me of my naivety and purity.

But my purity is still intact

No one can take that from me because I choose to keep it and I don’t allow you to have any of it.

My purity is mine.

My inborn right to me is mine and I will cherish me and all the parts of me even the ones that act hard to love and push away to protect.

I am beautiful

I am pure

I am sad

And I loved

I am whole

Thank you for not giving up on me little one, I know I made it hard to trust that I would come around although I made you promise over and over that I haven’t kept, commitment after commitment of how I d be there for you, but I resented your imperfections and I resented preventing my hand on control

But control isn’t mine

And it never was

And that is no longer my journey

Embracing is my goal

I will learn to embrace the dissociation, I will learn to embrace the self-focus without criticism, and I will learn to embrace the critical focus and I will embrace each attempt to protect me, guide me and show me

Embracing doesn’t mean I will stop to grow and say I’m staying where I am

Embracing means I am knowing I am where I need to be and I have been reacting because there is a reason and I will love the part of me that stood there for me and protected me and I will hold its hand as I take each new bold step.

Watch out world

 

 

 

What are 2 things that you get upset at yourself about:

Why do you think you do that?

What would happen if I were to embrace them?